This actor is the kind of guy that every single woman over thirty wants to meet. He’s tall, dark, and handsome and successful on TV as well as the big screen. He’s carved out a career playing “the boyfriend” to leading ladies. But this down-to-earth guy is freakier than he looks. He never goes out without a jar of mayonnaise in his backpack. He cheats on his famous girlfriend with frisky gals willing to spread the mayo all over his body. (source)
“You’ve seen other prank shows, other hidden camera shows. Wait till you see Howie Do It!” Better yet, wait till you hear the same bad, groan-worthy pun at least 25 times within the span of 60 minutes. Wait until you’ve seen a pointless, utterly toothless Candid Camera rip-off so unfunny it makes Ashton Kutcher look like Ricky Gervais. Wait, America, please wait until you hear the chorus of the 1995 Montell Jordan hit “This Is How We Do It” played after so many bland jokes you actually start to feel sorry for Montell Jordan because his creation is being so misused and permanently tarnished in this way. (No amount of residuals could be worth that humiliation.) Please, everyone, just wait, and never stop waiting. Believe me, unless you’re a masochist, a critic, or a relative of Howie Mandel’s, you don’t want to see how Howie does it.”—
“1. Britney Spears: If she cleaned herself up maybe I could get a thousand dollars an hour for her. But if was the old Britney before she went crazy I could have gotten $2,000 easy.
2. Paris Hilton: She would get $1,500 an hour. She’s slender and doesn’t have implants. She’s blonde and I could get away with selling her as a Ford model.
3. Beth Ostrosky: I like Beth. She’s tall and blonde. It’s always a homerun if I can get a girl who’s 5’9” or above. She’s usually perfect. Beth would be in the upper ranking. I could get $2,000 an hour for her easy.
4. Katie Holmes: Katie would be very popular because she has that All American, college girl look. She would be super popular. Men want girls who look like Howard Stern’s wife; the tall slender model type or they want that non-flashy, classically beautiful fresh face young look. The girl next door whom they could never get. They want the runway model they can’t have now, or the prom queen they couldn’t have then. I could probably get $2,500 an hour for Katie. Maybe even $3,000. I could max out on her.
5. Angelina Jolie: She would be my top girl. I call it my “Number one.” I would put her at $2,000 an hour. But you couldn’t get her unless you booked her for 4 hours. I wouldn’t let her go for just an hour. Maybe if you were a good client you could get her for an hour, but I would charge a lot more. At least $2,500.
6. Sarah Palin: (Laughs) I wouldn’t have any market for her. She couldn’t work for me. She’s cute, but not for my kind of clients. There are escort agency’s that specialize in specific kinds of demographics. She could work for a cheaper agency. Maybe a $300 dollar an hour type agency. I would call her a mid-range escort type.
7. Playboy Playmates: I had many Playmates call me for work. Many! I’m talking about centerfolds. But I would only work with 1 out of 5. Usually, they’re boobs are too big or too fake looking. They look to California. For the most part I wouldn’t use Playmates.
8. Lindsay Lohan: She would do great! She’s got that fresh face and freckles. Men would eat her up! I could get $1,800 an hour for Lindsay….Easy! I would let her go for just the hour. She would work more volume for me. Short stays and busy all night. But I’m sure I could get clients to extend time with her if I asked.
9. Rihanna: I think she is stunning and gorgeous. If I were a client I would choose her. But honestly, I don’t have a market for her. She couldn’t work for me. It’s unfortunate. The African American and Asian models never do well. Rihanna wouldn’t bring in any business for me.
10. Melania Trump: She’s hot. She would make a lot of money. But the one problem with her is that men don’t like Jewish women and eastern European women. So I would have to lie about her nationality. Maybe say she’s from Amsterdam or Sweden. Otherwise she would have trouble getting work. I would also change her name. I could get $2,000 an hour for her if she played along and didn’t let it slip where she’s from.”—